It has been a long time since I have been so angry, or hated someone so much that I spend days and days with a headache I can't stop.
I know better than anyone how hate and anger can consume your soul. I have worked years and years, and years to change this about myself.
But I cannot stop what I am feeling inside. Though I am positive that "This too shall pass," the feelings inside are so overwhelming.
I have been waiting years and years to be a mom, a stay at home mom, so I could do everything the way I WANT to as far as raising my child is concerned.
I think I have earned the right to be right where I am today. I have worked since I was 17 years old to take care of myself. I have 1.5 college degrees, and a certificate that says I'm educated. I have lost two children because of the actions of men, to finally settle down to a loving, hard working man, that has tried everything in his power to give me everything I desire.
I'm almost there. I've spent the first 1.5 years being able to stay home with Iliana and teach her the things I think she should know. I've been blessed to watch her take her first steps and hear her first words, and see all of her first teeth. It has meant the world to me, but do I deserve it any more than any other mother? No, not really. And i know that today's day and age, both parents have to work to provide for a family, and until recently, I have had the pleasure not to have to go.
Recently someone decided that my husband is a "liar." Putting that in writing has made it nearly impossible for him to get another job, until at least the union forces the person in question to change her accusation. To make matters worse, he is unable to get unemployment as of now, due to the accusation. On top of all of that, my own unemployment is near the end... How, praytell do we feed our child, or live in our home, whether the one we reside in now, or a cheaper one? Everyone says welfare. I called. We have to be 30 days with no income for assistance. I don't know what to do now, except for pray, light candles, and hope for the best, oh yeah, and job search... Well, since I've applied for over 2300 jobs in Reno, and at least 12 in Hawthorne, I have to start seaching all over the country. Another way in which someone else's actions have changed my life.
Not only has this woman stopped me from being able to comfortably raise my own child, she has made it impossible for me to expand my family, she has made it impossible for us to continue to have foster children, she has made it impossible for my husband to EVER get a job in any case, as once you are branded a liar, who is going to hire you? Who gives this woman the right to play "GOD"?
Yes, I know that karma is a bitch, and she will eventually get hers, and I know that vengence is not mine.
It dosen't stop the pain that she is putting me through. The emotional pain, leading to the physical pain, which in turn makes it nearly impossible to enjoy my child, and causes my relationship to deteriorate because both my husband and I are so upset, we can't even communicate our feelings without being sick. I believe our relationship is strong enough to weather this storm, but, already nasty, ugly words have been thrown out there, and it isn't right, because neither of us knows what the other one needs to hear to feel better.
What can I do? I have to stop hating, I have to stop being angry. How do I do this? For 30 years, at least, I have been learning how to overcome hate and anger. Right now, well, right now, I think maybe hospitalization, or medication... Yet I wonder, who pays for that?
Forgive Universe, Forgive me "God" for I am angry, and I hate. Please release these feelings inside of me, so that I can take care of my family.
