When Hating Someone Drives You to Physical Pain...

It has been a long time since I have been so angry, or hated someone so much that I spend days and days with a headache I can't stop.


I know better than anyone how hate and anger can consume your soul. I have worked years and years, and years to change this about myself.

But I cannot stop what I am feeling inside. Though I am positive that "This too shall pass," the feelings inside are so overwhelming.

I have been waiting years and years to be a mom, a stay at home mom, so I could do everything the way I WANT to as far as raising my child is concerned.

I think I have earned the right to be right where I am today. I have worked since I was 17 years old to take care of myself. I have 1.5 college degrees, and a certificate that says I'm educated. I have lost two children because of the actions of men, to finally settle down to a loving, hard working man, that has tried everything in his power to give me everything I desire.

I'm almost there. I've spent the first 1.5 years being able to stay home with Iliana and teach her the things I think she should know. I've been blessed to watch her take her first steps and hear her first words, and see all of her first teeth. It has meant the world to me, but do I deserve it any more than any other mother? No, not really. And i know that today's day and age, both parents have to work to provide for a family, and until recently, I have had the pleasure not to have to go.

Recently someone decided that my husband is a "liar." Putting that in writing has made it nearly impossible for him to get another job, until at least the union forces the person in question to change her accusation. To make matters worse, he is unable to get unemployment as of now, due to the accusation. On top of all of that, my own unemployment is near the end... How, praytell do we feed our child, or live in our home, whether the one we reside in now, or a cheaper one? Everyone says welfare. I called. We have to be 30 days with no income for assistance. I don't know what to do now, except for pray, light candles, and hope for the best, oh yeah, and job search... Well, since I've applied for over 2300 jobs in Reno, and at least 12 in Hawthorne, I have to start seaching all over the country. Another way in which someone else's actions have changed my life.

Not only has this woman stopped me from being able to comfortably raise my own child, she has made it impossible for me to expand my family, she has made it impossible for us to continue to have foster children, she has made it impossible for my husband to EVER get a job in any case, as once you are branded a liar, who is going to hire you? Who gives this woman the right to play "GOD"?

Yes, I know that karma is a bitch, and she will eventually get hers, and I know that vengence is not mine.

It dosen't stop the pain that she is putting me through. The emotional pain, leading to the physical pain, which in turn makes it nearly impossible to enjoy my child, and causes my relationship to deteriorate because both my husband and I are so upset, we can't even communicate our feelings without being sick. I believe our relationship is strong enough to weather this storm, but, already nasty, ugly words have been thrown out there, and it isn't right, because neither of us knows what the other one needs to hear to feel better.

What can I do? I have to stop hating, I have to stop being angry. How do I do this? For 30 years, at least, I have been learning how to overcome hate and anger. Right now, well, right now, I think maybe hospitalization, or medication... Yet I wonder, who pays for that?

Forgive Universe, Forgive me "God" for I am angry, and I hate. Please release these feelings inside of me, so that I can take care of my family.

My Wants for My Children

Piano lessons
Soccer practice
drama rehersals
dance recitals
swimming lessons
tieing shoes
riding a bike
tree houses
summer sleep overs
camping trips with sleeping bags and tents
A little boy plays catch with his dog.
A little girl takes a bow.
Momma takes a walk in the pouring down rain.
Daddy washes the car.
Beautiful poetry makes up a family.
Oh how I wish,
Oh how I wish...

If I Was a Mom

If I had a daughter -

I would get her swim lessons, piano lessons, acting lessons, dance lessons and even horseback riding lessons.

I might even let her play soft ball, soccer on a co-ed team, volley ball, or run the track, or even cheer leading.

I would teach her to read and write, and science and math.  I would give her some paint and see what she might create.

I would give her the world, and then...

I would sit back and see just what she would CHOOSE to become.

If I had a son -

I would get him his first bike, a ball and a glove.  Swimming lessons, and horseback riding lessons. A tool set, a camera, and even a set of drums.

I might even let him take acting and dance classes, art and sewing lessons.

I would take him to little league, soccer practice, football tryouts and wrestling tournements.

I would teach him to read and write, and science and math.  I would give him some clay
and see what he might create.

I would give him the world, and then...

I would sit back and see just what he would CHOOSE to become.

Everything Happens For A Reason...

Growing up, I always knew I was going to be a foster parent, and I always knew I was going to adopt. After all, I was a foster kid, later adopted, and raised in a foster home for 17 years, watching all kinds of kids come and go. What a wonderful life I had growing up.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I had always planned on having a big family, hoping that I'd even have my own...

At 19, I carried my first child, Trevor for 6 glorious months. Though he only lived a very short time after he was born, he touched my heart beyond all imagination. I knew then and know today that he will never, EVER be replaced in my heart.

But, is it wrong for me to still want to have children?

I married my husband soon after my mom died, and a year later we started the foster/adopt program after we saw two little boys on a local news program. During our training process, we got a call from my brother and his wife, wondering if we were interested in adopting their second child. Probably a little soon, just so close after getting married, and still grieving over the loss of my mom, but, for selfish reasons, I couldn't say no.

Again, the waiting. It was only February. I still had til July...

It has been 19 very short, very quick months since I brought my little peanut home from the Spokane hospital where she was born.

I never knew love could be both incredibly fantastic, and incredibly frightening. Loving someone so much that you feel like you will just stop breathing if anything ever happened to them is a scary thing.

Though I always wanted a large family, after having a group of children at once, I decided, if I'm only blessed with 2 beautiful children, I'd like to have one of each... I have my baby girl, and soon, hopefully, maybe even a son.

I wonder every day what my little son would be like today, as he'd be turning 12 in March.

In my heart I'm just learning that everything happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe he had something to do somewhere else, and I was meant to wait.

Little Boy Lost!!!

Baby Gabriel,

Tonight I am saddened by the thought of you.

I do not know you little guy, but I will carry you in my heart for always!

So painful it is to think that the woman God gave you to may have hurt you, and worse.

I am praying that you will make it home safely to the daddy who loves you and wants you so very much.

I am thinking of the families who want and wanted you so badly, that they would do anything to have you.  I don't know if they know how much pain they are putting your daddy through, or how much pain you will know by what is going on in your life.

I am saddened that the woman who promised to protect you, is the one who has hurt you.  Mommys are supposed to keep their babies safe, not pass them around like they are little dolls.

I hope and pray that you are safe and warm, and that someone that "loves" you is taking good care of you.

Be Blessed Little Boy.

                                                                  ~   ~   ~

It saddens me that an 8 month old child is passed around like he is a doll, that he is used as  bait, to make a man unhappy.  What kind of woman does this to her child?

Baby Gabriel is near another month older, and his daddy searches for him. 

A little guy taken by his mother from Arizona, to be passed around to one family, and then another. Couples who desperately long for a child to love and to protect, are getting jerked around, all the while this young mother is playing a game to get back at the man who gave her the most precious gift.  Her son.

It is believed that his mother gave him to a couple she met at a park in San Antonio Texas.  And if it can be believed, another blog states that a woman from either Wisconsin or Michigan, I can't remember which, flew to San Antonio to adopt him.  A woman claiming to be "Beth."

I hope that the people who have him, if someone does actually have him, are taking good care of him, and will know what is best for him, and give him back to his dad.  It pains me to think that this little bundle of love and life could be laying dead some where unidentifiable.  Dead at the hands of his mother.  Please, I pray... Don't let this be the case.

People, please keep your eyes open, and your ears.  You never know who you know.  You never know who may be keeping this little boy behind closed doors.

Help Baby Gabriel get home to where he belongs.

A writer needs help!!!

Someone please tell me how to write a blog!

New to us but used...

Bought a new truck today!  1997 Ford F-150 xlt short bed. Just wondering who in the heck makes a great truck like that without 4 wheel drive??? Well, jeeze, I guess Ford does.
It's all good.  It's a nice truck.  My honey, the Toyota man, is happy with it.  I guess it will get us where we need to go for now.!.